I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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