The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
