I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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