The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
