My hand turned me down
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
