eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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