It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
