Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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