I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
