he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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