I'm pants shitting drunk right now
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
