There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
