I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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