just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
