Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
