Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
