I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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