it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
