booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
