If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
