You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
