1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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