Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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