Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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