we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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