Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
