he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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