She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
