I just saw a hot homeless man
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
