she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
