Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
