one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
