I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
