sarcasm needs its own font
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
