I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
