So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
