She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sober January is a disaster.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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