Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
