some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
