hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
