he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize