I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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