I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
