I'm going to jail i love you
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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