i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And then my night got REAL pukey
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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