I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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