Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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