I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
