So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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