my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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