Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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