either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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