I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
