i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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