And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How's work?
Spinning.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
