"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
