Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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